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you say “the air is so dense,” as you sit motionless… trying to understand the swirl: the speeding walls of memories and possibilities and uncertainties that refuse to stop spinning about you. the forces that obscure plans once so clear. the emotions that confuse as they tempt — laying out every potential experience as the promised route… calling you forth to participate in the carnival… to play the clown and the juggler… balance all existence upon the whims of this fleeting moment. relinquish your heart to the pull, and lose (perhaps forever?) all you had set out for. pulled deep within the dense cloud, to languish within experience. to never face the crumbling reality that once kept you afloat. to lose sight of yourself; within the chaos — you follow.
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your voice could awaken me, is what makes my life impossible
knowing we’ve severed every tie, (the control we possess) yet remain bound to each other
knowing how i long for the one i once loved, (and once i’ve lost) the one who once loved me
knowing what i’ve lost — (yet never knowing) what is it like to have that beyond reach?
knowing that your voice will destroy any new dreams i create
knowing i’ll do the things that you desire
life moves on. lie in wait. unaffected. unconscious.
knowing that your voice will destroy any new dreams i believe in
a chaos of desire
knowing i love you...
there’s no longer, anything i can do
there’s no longer, anything i can do about it
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innocent embraces turned to dream
in textures like lovers but would i go through with this?
entangled, enraptured, entwined our bodies lie
your kiss, the fear, my thoughts explode... didn’t you notice i wanted you?
pandora’s box: trapped within the tree of knowledge
desire’s there, my longing despair, how could it have led us here?
she said she was the flame: all that’s touched, consumed
she said that she burned through those that she loved...
somehow i thought we could not be harmed — but we lost our innocence
i’m sorry for falling in love with you. i’m sorry for tearing us apart.
what’s really there? curiosity? burning through all that we loved.
i’m sorry for falling in love with you. i’m sorry for tearing us apart.
unleashed despair, desire’s there — hope is all that remains
i’m so sorry
have you forsaken me?
have you forsaken me?
i’m sorry for falling in love with you. i’m sorry for tearing us apart.
unleashed despair, desire’s here, hopes all remain inside
pandora’s box, the innocent. why does it seem i always blame?
for what i did, for what i did... didn’t you notice i wanted you?
i’m sorry for falling in love with you, all that’s touched was consumed…
all that’s touched was consumed... we lost our innocence.
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very word you trusted, did i lie to you?
am i the one to destroy everything?
i, the one you place your faith in
tear me down, tear me down, tear love from my mind (draw me in, draw me in, never go)
tear through the lies that mask my eyes, that deceive me (your feelings disappear )
tear through the hungry ghost that lingers to feed on me (who else to rely on? who else to love?)
empty me
empty me
every word you trusted now i question (how you draw away)
every word i understood now dissipates (no more feelings? my friend?)
how can i leave when you love me? (no more honesty?)
how can i leave when everything is so clear? (no more trust)
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the hypocrite is me, the hypocrite is me
once i found my inner truths
now i’m lost, i cannot act: still bound by the rules
bury my feelings deep inside
“emotionally impotent,” your words turn shard and fall
“incapable of love,” as you slash through the air
the biggest risk to be myself
shine shuttered lights into my eyes
i cannot escape, unending lies
my inspiration turns to my disguise
my inspiration turns to my disguise
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far above, they lie in wait. suspended, like omnipresent gods… roughly focused figures that shout and pace with impatience; as their echoed voices enrapture, with words that possess. that hold me still, beneath the icy floe. yet masked by the depths of darkest blue, i see their movements bend and lose all meaning… their power momentarily drains, viewed with perspective. and all that remains are the facades, which i could easily tear down and destroy. yet eagerly i await the claws which will reach down through my powerless lucidity. reach down into the world which i fear to obtain, and draw me back… as i beg to be bound by the mirages i empower.
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how might i define this fractured image that still lies before me? beautiful. entrancing. shattered, in a damp cloth. if you were to once again land at my feet, would i be able to help you up? how could i hold you within my arms and let you whisper your delicate secrets? how could i rejoin you, to explore your hidden worlds? how could i ever expect you to implicitly trust me again?
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this one last gasp of breath makes going under that much more terrifying
one last hope to cling to as i sink — as i search for my destruction
waiting for a single word to misread as a sign of your compassion — but it never came
now i’m dragged under: relinquished of all blame
it was you who let me down, who failed to recognize me
you dragged me under, you gave up hope. it was you who let me down…
you failed to save me
one last grasp to draw me under — break the surface and now see clear
your image defines what i can’t have — unobtainable: the way i need you
one last scrap of hope to cherish — nightmares are better than no dreams at all
i created you, so i’d fail — now i am fulfilled
i created you, so i’d fail — now i am fulfilled
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now i only see our intimacy lost — these thoughts repeatedly creep back to mind. trivial details. reminders that certain objects and actions can never again possess their simple meaninglessness. that they will always linger in an over-defined state. that they now possess and hide our intimacy — that they eternally capture and freeze us. and dance back as secrets, as memories… my tormentor. rooms that slowly overtake me: when i think that i can return to some form of peaceful existence. rooms and toys and thoughts and laughter that seem forever intertwined with my thoughts for you. fleeting moments of who we were, that keep my life from moving on. i feel rocked into a comfortable way of life, in which i prefer to live with these reminders… rather than make my new beginnings.
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i stumble upon a face, perhaps like yours, set apart from the darkness by illuminating reds and maroons. i watched, secretly, and understood. i felt i knew what you were going through: as you paced impatient circles and danced your slow spiral of desire. your path which wound through all experience. through darkened suffering reflected in your bright deep-set eyes and lush sad lips. slowly engulfing, your anger towards this emptiness. perhaps you understood my facade, too. perhaps you would understand, if i told you i feared facing myself. feared to admit that i hid nothing; that i was ultimately empty, inside. perhaps your touch would have awoken me… to lead me to the same conclusion i now reach… the same despair i face as i watch you walk away, dark and flowing — slowly vanishing into the amber haze which leaves us still inexplicably bound to one another. bound to question these actions which we still blame ourselves for.
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i wear these chains of color now
for i thought i loved you so
and they’re all i have to remind me
how much i still feel for you and think of you
how good seeing you makes me feel
and how much i miss you and how i still cry for you
i tire of shutting it out
because i never thought it could hurt me so
you woke me up...
to search for who i really was
revealing my loneliness, unbearable
i misread myself, by misreading my thoughts for you
my thoughts for you
but now i finally see what draws me to my chain of colors
the thoughts they stir up that keep me asking:
who am i? oh, who am i?
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if your words lodged within me
burning streamers... how could i stay
the honest one? harboring these feelings
...engulfing me
burn my memories... your tears the ultimate beauty…
so deceived, by honesty
similar needs, similar traits...
a fear of being turned against, so hard to open...
desire... desire... lose this fear; reveal my heart to you
remain in this house as the walls tumble down
my faith swirling round... my faith swirling round...
maybe this all reveals…
within each other, have we found our spirit?
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Chapter ii — mixes
00:10
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Black Tape For A Blue Girl Portland, Oregon
Black Tape For A Blue Girl creates darkwave, ethereal, neoclassical, ambient, goth albums. This page also includes my
ambient/electronic music, as well as side-projects. Thanks for listening. Sam
Patrons receive exclusive music: blacktapeforabluegirl.bandcamp.com/patron
Formed in 1986
... more
Black Tape For A Blue Girl recommends:
Tim, where are you now?
by Sam Rosenthal & Projekt Artists
My collaboration with Projekt electronic artists
go to album
MIX TAPE 4 MATT (name your price)
by Sam Rosenthal
This is a mix tape of Black Tape For A Blue Girl songs I created to go along with my erotic novel, Rye.
go to albumIf you like Black Tape For A Blue Girl, you may also like:
Orchids Grew Here
by Unto Ashes
supported by 46 fans who also own “A Chaos of Desire (2022 Remaster)”
If Death in June covered a Steeleye Span album, this might be the result. Dark and fragile, excellent rainy-day folk. If you do listen to this all the way through on a gloomy day, make sure to go outside and run some errands.
go to album
The Burning Circle And Then Dust
by Lycia
supported by 44 fans who also own “A Chaos of Desire (2022 Remaster)”
My favorite album of all time was on here and I had no idea! °Д°
go to album
Electronic pioneer Steve Roach is at his finest on this 11-track live record, recorded as part of the celebrated Ambient Church series.
go to album
Shadowy, immersive music that walks the line between darkambient and dreampop, with rich electronic textures cradling whispery vocals.
go to album
